Thursday, May 23, 2013

What going out to brunch with a toddler *really* looks like.

So you get an idea in your head about going out to brunch with your beloved, because he has his first day off in six days and you know this great place with amazing eggs to eat. You drop the Bigs off at their respectable kindergarten/school, and off you go. Except, wait; you have to take the 18 month old, but nah, that's OK, we will cope, it will be fine, surely it can't be that hard.

Here's what it looks like.

Arrive at cafe, are seated by a lovely waiter, order your coffees and tell baby she has to stay in the pram.
You don't usually use the pram because it's more effective at keeping her out of mischief by tying her to your back in a wrap, but you figure in this situation the pram is warranted. It's a lovely pram, cushy, shaded and comfortable. The baby should really appreciate this, you think.
"No no no! OUT!" she says, struggling free of the buckles and rocking the pram side to side. Baby clearly has other ideas.
So you let her out, and put her into the highchair provided by the lovely cafe. She immediately stands up in it, despite being buckled in.
"DOWN. Chair!" she says to you.
"OK, fine" you say to her. You carefully rearrange the table and chair a bit so that the chair blocks off a small gap which Baby could use to get out and run onto the road.

You're standing beside the table, Husband is sitting on the chair opposite Baby. You go to sit down, Baby says "NO. Stand!"

Yep, this looks like fun.

The lovely waiter takes your order, and Baby makes a beeline for the cup which has sugar sachets in it. You quickly intercept, and convince her that she can play with the sugar sachets if she agrees to sit in the highchair. She agrees. You sit down in your chair. Baby is angelic, blonde, beautiful, and happily plays with the sugar sachets for a good ten minutes putting them from one cup to the next, counting "one, two, four.......eight!"

You even manage to drink most of your iced coffee which arrived as you put her in the chair.

Winning, you think.

But hang on, Baby is done with the sugar game now. You quickly make your order for breakfast (eggs Benedict with salmon, in case you were wondering) as you run off to grab her before she climbs into the lap of an old lady sitting at the next table beside you. "Cuddle?" she asks. The old lady agrees. This kid, she could get away with murder the way she charms people.

Breakfast is brought to the table and Baby is whining a bit, being placed back into the highchair. She keeps yelling "down! DOWN" so you try and bribe a few moments of peace by passing her your iPhone. This isn't greeted with much success as she tosses it onto the bricked floor. "No! Done!" says Baby, and she is standing up in the high chair again, precariously yet fearlessly, with that dazzling smile that means butter wouldn't melt. Except it *so* would.

Lovely waiter comes past with a barrel of monkeys for Baby, which entertain her for a whole 56 seconds, then are excitedly thrown over her shoulder, narrowly missing the old lady from earlier. "Monkeys gone. " says Baby.

Hrm, no shit.

It's Husband's time to wrangle now you think, he's finished 1/2 of his breakfast. So he gets ordered to sit on the bricked wall by Baby, and they play music seats for a while as you sit there and quickly shovel food into your mouth because you know it won't be long before it's your turn again.

Husband blows his nose, which equates to escape time in Baby language, and she runs to another empty table and starts pulling out napkin by napkin out, positively gleeful.

You glance at Husband, he glances at you, you mutually shrug, and then he brings Baby and her napkin holder and pile of napkins back to your table. You both finish your food. By finish, I mean inhale it very quickly.

Brunch is over. Food is finished. Coffee is drank. There's a pile of napkins beside you, which is the trade-off I guess.

Husband goes to pay for brunch at the counter, you quickly stuff the napkins back into the holder and exit the cafe.

You feel tired. That seems like a whole lot of effort for minimal gain. Yes the food was delicious, it was nice not to cook.. but was it worth it? Really?


Parenting. The ultimate exercise in temporary insanity.

1 comment:

  1. Hey Jess, I had a laugh at this, we occasionally think just how nice it will be to go out for a coffee, and with the kids in tow attempt it, but it always turns out somewhat like your day!
    We have learnt to have no expectations!
    Rhi :)